Most of us have moments when emotions feel intense, confusing, or hard to manage.
This can show up as anxiety before an exam, frustration during a conflict with a partner, or discouragement after a tough conversation with a friend. These reactions are part of being human.
In a previous post, we explored emotional awareness, where we discussed noticing and naming what you feel. In this article, we will build on that foundation by introducing emotion regulation, a set of skills that can help you respond to difficult emotions in ways that feel more supportive and less overwhelming.
Emotion regulation isn’t about getting rid of feelings or forcing yourself to stay positive all the time. It’s about learning how to work with your emotions, even the uncomfortable ones, so that they don’t take over your thoughts or behaviour.
In this blog, we’ll explore:
- what emotion regulation really means, in everyday language
- how emotions tend to form, and why timing can matter when we’re trying to respond to them
- different ways people can work with difficult emotions, before and after they peak
- why some approaches may feel less draining than others
- how small, compassionate shifts can help emotions feel more manageable
Before You Read: We understand that the information and strategies we share may not feel helpful for everyone. If you are in need of additional support or resources, please reach out to a professional, or connect with our team at contact@layla.care.
What Is Emotion Regulation?
Emotion regulation is about how we relate to our emotions, including which ones show up, how intense they feel, and how we respond to them in everyday life. This can involve conscious choices, as well as patterns we’ve developed over time without really noticing.
Sometimes we want to soften a difficult emotion, like anxiety or anger, and other times, we may want to maintain or even strengthen an emotion, such as staying focused or motivated. What’s important to know is that there is no single correct emotional response. What’s helpful is knowing whether your response is helping you cope with the situation in front of you.
Research has linked effective emotion regulation skills with greater life satisfaction, higher self-esteem, and fewer symptoms of depression. These patterns don’t apply the same way to everyone. Emotional experiences are personal and shaped by many factors.
Still, learning these skills can open up more options for how you respond when emotions may feel intense.
How Emotions Develop
Emotions tend to follow a pattern.
First, something happens. This might be an external event, like receiving a message, or an internal one, like a memory or thought. You notice it, interpret what it means to you, and your body prepares to respond.
In everyday terms, this is what an emotion is:
- a short-lived but intense feeling
- shaped by how we interpret a situation, real or imagined
- connected to physical and behavioural responses
This sequence matters because emotion regulation can happen at different points along the way.
Where Emotion Regulation Can Happen
Psychologists often describe five broad approaches to emotion regulation, based on when they are used in the emotion process.
You do not need to remember these as categories because they are simply different entry points for responding to emotions.
Choosing Situations
This involves deciding which situations to enter or avoid when possible. For example, if scrolling social media late at night leaves you feeling discouraged, you might choose to put your phone away earlier and read or listen to music instead.
Shaping Situations
Once you are in a situation, modest changes can make a difference. During a tense family gathering, this might mean stepping outside for fresh air or changing the topic when conversation becomes heated.
Shifting Attention
Where you place your focus matters, and sometimes, redirecting attention toward something grounding, such as a supportive conversation or a calming activity, can reduce the pull of anxious or angry thoughts. This is not about distraction alone, but about choosing what deserves your mental energy.
Changing Meaning
This approach, often called cognitive reappraisal, involves gently questioning how you are interpreting a situation. For instance, instead of seeing a friend’s delayed reply as rejection, you might consider other explanations, such as them being busy or overwhelmed.
Responding to the Emotion
Sometimes emotions are already strong. At this stage, regulation may involve deciding how to express what you feel. You might choose to share your sadness with someone you trust, or to pause before reacting when you feel angry.
A Gentle Example
Imagine you are feeling anxious the night before an important school presentation or community event.
You have prepared, but your mind keeps returning to everything that could go wrong. Your body feels tense, your thoughts are racing, and it is hard to settle. In moments like this, emotion regulation is less about doing something perfectly and more about checking in with what is happening, with curiosity rather than urgency.
You might start by noticing what feels most important right now. Perhaps the presentation matters because you care about doing well or being taken seriously. Naming that can sometimes bring a bit more clarity.
From there, you might wonder whether there is anything you can adjust in the situation in a small or limited way. You may notice that continuing to rehearse late into the night is increasing your anxiety rather than helping. Choosing to pause, close your notes, or change your environment is one way of shaping the situation itself.
As you take that break, you might notice where your attention is going. Are your thoughts looping through worst-case scenarios, or can you gently shift your focus toward something grounding, such as a familiar routine, a calm conversation, or the physical sensations around you?
If anxiety is still present, you might explore whether there is another way to understand what is happening. Instead of seeing the presentation only as a test you could fail, you might also see it as something you have prepared for, or as a moment that matters because you care.
Later, if a message reminds you of the presentation and your chest tightens, you might pause and consider how you want to respond. Would it help to share your worries with someone you trust, take a few slow breaths, or let the feeling pass without acting on it?
None of these responses are required, and there is no correct order. They are examples of questions people often return to as emotions unfold. The aim is not to eliminate anxiety, but to help it feel more manageable and less overwhelming.
Approaches to Working With Difficult Emotions
Different approaches to emotion regulation can be useful at different moments. What helps in one situation may not feel helpful in another, and many people use a mix of approaches over time.
Often, strategies that come into play earlier in the emotional process, such as shifting attention or changing how we understand a situation, can feel less demanding than trying to manage emotions once they are already intense. This does not mean later approaches are wrong or ineffective. Sometimes they are the only options available.
For example, noticing rising frustration during a conversation and gently redirecting your focus can change how that interaction unfolds. At other times, emotions may already be strong, and the work becomes about how you respond to them, such as choosing whether to express what you feel, seek comfort, or take a pause before reacting.
Some research suggests that people who often use cognitive reappraisal, which involves revisiting the meaning they give to a situation, report on average fewer negative emotions and greater well-being than those who rely mainly on suppression, or holding emotions in. These findings describe general patterns, not rules. Suppression can also be useful in certain contexts, and what’s also important to note is that reappraisal does not work the same way for everyone.
What tends to matter most is flexibility. Being able to draw on different approaches, depending on the situation, your energy level, and what feels supportive in the moment, is often more helpful than relying on a single strategy.
Learning about these approaches is not about choosing the right one or applying them perfectly. It is about increasing awareness of the options available to you, so you can respond to difficult emotions with a little more choice and self-understanding.
Layla’s Takeaway Tips
This article explored emotion regulation as a flexible, learnable set of skills that can help you respond to difficult emotions with more awareness and choice. We looked at how emotions develop, the different points at which regulation can happen, and why timing, context, and personal capacity all matter. Rather than aiming to control or to eliminate emotions all together, the focus was on working with them in ways that feel supportive, realistic, and compassionate.
If a difficult emotion shows up, it can help to gently explore questions like:
- What is happening right now that matters to me?
- Is there anything I can adjust in this situation, even slightly?
- Where is my attention going, and is that helping?
- Is there another way to understand what is happening?
- How do I want to express what I feel, if at all?
These aren’t steps to follow or problems to solve. They are more like invitations to pause and reflect, when it feels possible for you.
Some days, emotions will feel easier to work with than others, and that’s normal. Over time, gradual shifts can create more flexibility in thinking and responding, and hopefully you’ll find these tips and resources supportive along the way.
A Message from Layla
If you require any immediate support, please reach out to a professional, or click here to explore our crisis and community resources. If you’d like to inquire about finding mental health support that’s right for you, a member of our team is happy to assist you. You can email us at contact@layla.care for any inquiries, or complete our intake form to reach out to a member of our care team.
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