Rethinking self control through emotion and perspective
Do you ever find yourself sitting down to focus after a long day, maybe you’re studying, catching up on something important, or trying to follow through on a plan you made earlier. At first, it feels manageable, but then your phone lights up. You initially tell yourself to ignore it, but the urge keeps getting strong, and after a few minutes, it feels easier to give in than to keep going with your task.
The feeling of your focus being pulled away can show up in different ways – whether you’re studying, trying to stay present with family, or following through on something you care about.
This is often explained through “ego depletion,” the idea that self control depends on a limited mental resource that wears down over time. This idea was coined by social psychologist Roy Baumeister in the late 1990s, alongside colleagues including Ellen Bratslavsky, Mark Muraven, and Dianne Tice.
Recent work from the University of Waterloo, published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, offers a more flexible way of understanding this. When tasks feel more effortful or “harder”, people are more likely to see self control as limited, while tasks with lower perceived effort or “easier” are linked to a more flexible view of self control.
If you have ever viewed self control as something that simply runs out, this might open up a different question. What if shifting how we experience effort could also shift how we use self control?
In this blog, we’ll explore:
- how our perceptions of effort shape our beliefs about self control
- why self control may be more flexible than it seems
- how emotions like gratitude, compassion, and pride can support self regulation
- everyday ways to shift perspective without forcing change
Before You Read: What we share here draws on research and clinical insight, though it may not resonate with everyone or fit every situation, and that is okay. If you are looking for additional support, you might consider reaching out to a trusted professional or connecting with our team at contact@layla.care.
How using emotions can support self regulation
Self-control is often framed as resisting temptation. While that can be helpful, it can also make urges feel stronger by keeping them front of mind. Some people find it more effective to focus on what feels meaningful, rather than only on what they’re trying to avoid.
This shift matters because it changes how effort feels. When effort feels draining, self-control can seem like something that runs out. But when effort feels meaningful, it often feels lighter and more sustainable. This distinct shift matters because it can change how effort is experienced or felt in the moment.
One way to support this is through pro social emotions.These are emotions that connect us to others, like gratitude, compassion, and pride. These emotions have long helped humans cooperate and build relationships. Today, they can also shape how we approach motivation and effort.
For example, feeling grateful for close relationships has been linked to a greater willingness to wait for something more meaningful in the future, rather than choosing more immediate rewards. In a similar way, compassion can show up when we set aside immediate comfort in support of others. And a sense of authentic pride can support motivation to develop skills and stay engaged with important goals.
Together, these emotions can make effort feel more purposeful, which can reduce the sense that self-control is being drained. They can also shift how we approach everyday challenges.
How gratitude can be used to shift your focus
Trying not to think about something tempting, like binge watching a new TV series, can sometimes make it more tempting. Instead, it might be helpful to shift your attention toward something you’re grateful for, and working towards.
Reflecting on the people who matter to you can make effort feel more connected and purposeful. For example, someone studying late or catching up on responsibilities might think about how their immediate efforts will support their future goals, or how others have supported them along the way to get to the place they are at. .
When something feels more meaningful, and connected to something outside of the present moment, it can also feel less effortful, which may support a stronger and more flexible sense of self control.
When you’re feeling distracted, or tempted to shift focus, you might find it help to first pause and:
- Think of a few people you feel thankful for
- Reflect on moments where you’ve had support or kindness shared with you
- Write a short message of appreciation when it feels natural
The goal is not to force gratitude, but to create space for it.
How compassion can build everyday connection
Compassion does not have to be intense to be helpful. Even small social interactions can create a sense of meaningful connection.
Simple moments, such as smiling at someone or having a brief friendly exchange, can support a compassionate mindset. For example, a quick check in with a classmate before class or a short conversation with a cashier can create a small sense of connection in your day.
This can also extend to slightly more meaningful moments, like checking in with a friend or sharing something that has been on your mind.
Many people expect these interactions to feel awkward or draining, but people often underestimate how positive even small social interactions can feel.
This sense of connection can make it easier to stay focused on longer term goals rather than immediate urges. It can also support feelings of gratitude, which we previously discussed.
These interactions do not need to be deep or extended to matter, what’s important is that they can gently shift attention outward.
How feelings of pride can support growth
Pride is often misunderstood, but not all pride is the same. Psychologists tend to distinguish between two types.
Authentic pride is tied to effort, growth, and persistence. It comes from recognizing what you’ve worked toward. Hubristic pride, on the other hand, is based on feeling superior to others.
When you take time to notice your efforts, even small ones, it can reinforce the sense that what you’re doing matters. This links your effort to progress which can make it feel more worthwhile and less draining. Over time, that can make it easier to stay engaged and keep going.
For example, at the end of the day, you might pause and reflect on one or two things you followed through on, even if they felt small or incomplete. Maybe you supported a colleague on a project, or followed up with a client as promised.
Noticing these moments shifts your focus from outcomes to effort. It’s not about judging yourself, it’s about acknowledging what you showed up for in a balanced, realistic way.
Learning to have a more flexible view of self-regulation
When you zoom out a bit, a simple pattern starts to show up: how effort feels can shape how we think about self-control.
If effort often feels draining, it’s natural to start thinking, “I don’t have much left to give.” Over time, self-control can feel limited, like something that runs out.
But when effort feels connected to something that matters, something more meaningful or important to you, it can result in outcomes. It may still take energy, but it doesn’t always feel as heavy.
This isn’t about pretending things are easy, or believing you should always have unlimited self-control. It’s more about making space for a different experience.
Sometimes, shifting how you relate to effort, even slightly, can make it feel more sustainable over time.
Layla’s Takeaway Tips
Self control is often described as something that gets used up over time. While this can feel true, this research highlights that how we interpret effort also plays an important role.
If you are exploring ways to support your own self regulation, here are a few ideas you might consider:
- Notice how effort shows up for you. Does something feel draining, or does it feel connected to something that matters?
- Experiment with small perspective shifts, such as linking a task to a value, relationship, or future outcome
- Create space for emotions like gratitude, compassion, and pride, without trying to force them
- Take a moment to acknowledge effort, even in small ways, rather than focusing only on outcomes
These are not rules or expectations, but starting points you can explore and adapt in ways that fit your life.
A Message from Layla
If you are looking for additional support, you might consider reaching out to a trusted professional or exploring our crisis and community resources. If you are in immediate distress or need urgent support, please seek support from a local crisis service. In Canada, you can also call or text 988 for immediate support. If you would like help finding support that feels right for you, our team is here to assist. You can reach us at contact@layla.care or complete our intake form to connect with a member of our care team.
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